desktopI haven’t written in awhile – well true stuff anyway. I actually wrote an entire play in three days about what I think meeting my birth mom will be like but that’s another story…

There’s a reason for that.

I haven’t been myself lately. At least I don’t think so.

I am waiting on confirmation (or not) on both sides of my birth family. I have a possible brother or cousin on my Dad’s side (he’s one or the other for sure) who graciously, acceptingly and without any muscling, agreed to get tested for me. How amazing is that???

“Knock knock!”

“Who’s there?”

“Maybe the sister you never had any idea you had.”

(No pause) “Cool. Come on in.”

So then there’s the amazing people who saw my ‘Please, please, please, please want to find me back” Poster I put on Facebook three years ago who finally saw it! Might help that (THREE YEARS LATER) I had 1000 more friends, but I’ll argue the benefits of  social media in another post. 😀

My poster was shared because Facebook decided to repost it as a ‘memory’ and my friends thought “Oh heck, let’s share it again. What’ve we got to lose.” By morning, three people from the same family, who thought ‘This is too big to be a coincidence. We know who your Mom might be!’ had contacted me.

My ‘maybe sister’ submitted her DNA test just weeks after my ‘maybe brother’ did – all this within weeks after searching high and low for DECADES.

Overwhelming, even for me.

So my other ‘maybe sister’ and I decided to pay $300 to have a Jerry Springer-like sibling test taken that would give us results in 3 to 5 business days because we are both the most ridiculously impatient humans on the planet. Waiting for DNA seems ludicrous to us but we have to be realistic (PAINFUL and again, adulty).

Results of that test: Kinda maybe, prob not, can’t rule it out, can’t call it for sure. Thanks for your money – SUCKERS. Uuuuugh.

THEN the original DNA testing site decided to upgrade their entire database and put matches on hold FOR WEEKS. There is no way to explain what it’s like to spend MONTHS becoming friends, sharing stories, pictures, idiosyncrasies, medical issues etc. with people who want to be, feel like they are, but have no confirmation of being an actual relation or at what level. My head wants to explode. I’m volatile (both good and bad). I’m reaching critical mass, quickly.

I’m wearing my skin on inside out once again. Same way I felt when my son had excruciatingly painful surgery.

Full disclosure: I’m having some trouble processing this at an ‘adulty’ level.

I also lost my ultimate weirdo hideaway happy place at the theatre, due to an unfortunate incident. I then had surgery on my right hand, castrating my creative craziness. Then, we lost Prince. Scoff if you like. I no longer expect everyone to understand why I am the way I am. “We mourn artists we’ve never met. We don’t cry because we knew them, we cry because they helped us know ourselves.”

He did that. Not many have.

People often ask me, “Do you sleep?”

The answer is yes, but the bigger question is, “Do you do anything but dream?”

That answer is “No”.

My mind is probably calmer when I have crazy, wonderful, demanding, rewarding family and friends to distract me throughout my day. At night, I am truly alone, hanging out on the ‘Charlie and the Dark Chocolate Factory’ playground, with all my ‘maybes’, and by morning I’m inexplicably exhausted.

Answers are coming. Resolution is coming. I am so damn grateful for all the people who get me through my every day. Mad props to my relatives through a beautiful twist of fate and the ones who had no idea I was coming, but opened the door anyway.

Bear with me. It will be worth it. I promise.