MeACOK.  I did it.  I finally threw it out there.  I have been sitting on those seven email addresses for a month when I’ve been waiting to get my hands on them for almost 40 years.  I told myself I was just too busy over the holidays, and then too busy with work, and then I didn’t feel very well.  Then yesterday it hit me.  I was scared.

After receiving the results of a DNA test, I held in my hand the names of seven people who just might hold the key to finding my birth family.  I fully expected to send out my ‘Please help me’ letter the moment I laid eyes on them.  But I froze.  Normally fearless, virtually unstoppable and as impatient as a person can be, I just didn’t do anything.  And then yesterday I finally realized why.

All my life I had visualized that when I found my birth family I would say, “See – See how well I turned out.  You did the right thing.  You didn’t go through whatever you had to go through for nothing.  See how great I am!”  But now I was questioning that myself.

I know I will be judged.  Before divulging family secrets to a total stranger, they will have to check me out.  They will google, ask questions, check out my Facebook page.  At least I know that’s what I would do.  It’s a tough world and before opening up a potential ‘Maury Povich’ like Pandora’s box, any reasonably sane person would do a little recon.

I thought about what they would find.  Was I finally at a place in my life that people would find ‘respectful’?  Would I appear to be ‘normal’? (Yikes!)  Would I seem like the kind of person you would WANT as a part of your family?

Everyone who knows me in the slightest is used to my not-so-typical approach to living.  I make scary movies; occasionally I get killed in someone else’s scary movie.  I never finished college.  I have two kids with special needs.  I am brutally honest with my feelings, both verbally and in cyber space.  I began torturing myself thinking that someone might see these things, these things that ultimately make up who I am, as strikes against me.

Well, as always, I began writing to figure it all out.  I just composed a very simple, very sincere request to seven perfect strangers, explaining who I am and why I am searching to know more.  I looked at my Facebook page.  I opened up my website as if I’d never been there before.  I googled myself.

And what do you know?  I’m NOT normal!  Thank goodness, I thought, and then giggled a little bit.  What I am is accessible, honest and alive.  And, I have to think, that if any one of these folks are related to me in the slightest, they probably aren’t normal either!  And I hope that when they see who I am they giggle a little bit too – and then write me back.

In fact, I just got an email now…