daneMy skin is on inside out.  I want to throw up.  This won’t be clever, funny or well written.  This is the truth, as I am feeling it – right now.

Dane goes in for surgery tomorrow at 11:30AM (if all goes according to plan).  I am sitting at my computer typing this, in the hopes that it will somehow squash, satiate or calm the demons running loose in my head.

For six years we’ve known Dane had Cerebral Palsy.  For six years we’ve known that walking one day was a dream, a possibly attainable, but not necessarily realistic dream.  Tomorrow he will have the surgery that, most likely, will be his best chance at that dream.

On the inside I am beyond terrified.  This is the surgery we’ve been talking about for years.  Not the one to help his upper body, but the one to help his lower body.  The one that will help his long, quickly growing legs, that have never held him up on their own.  My baby boy has never stood on his own.  The very thought of seeing him stand, unassisted, makes my heart soar in a way that’s impossible to explain.

My mind is racing – going in a million more directions than usual.  I have not been myself lately.  I am snapping at my family.  I’m avoiding my friends.  This is what I do when I’m overloaded.  This is what I do when I don’t know what to do.  This is what I do when I simply can’t control the situation.

I am afraid it won’t work.  I am afraid that Dane will be disappointed.  I am afraid that Dane will be put through another surgery and all the pain that comes with it and it won’t have been worth it.  I just can’t stand the thought of telling him that another surgery was unsuccessful.  I don’t know that I can stand seeing the disappointment in his eyes if he never reaches the goals that he has set for himself.

I’m babbling.  And thank you to anyone who is listening.  I need to talk about things.  I need to be honest with how I’m feeling.  The more I keep it in the worse it gets for the people around me.  Everyone has been so supportive of Dane and my family appreciates it more than I can say, especially Dane.  He asks me, every time I post something, not just if people have ‘liked’ it but who the people are and how do we know them.

However I know you, however long I’ve known you, thank you for supporting my family and me.  I hope to share good news soon.